LandoftheNobody ♡

honestly

Yesterday, we stopped for dinner before going home for the first time in more than a week. Halfway through dinner the conversation went in the direction of Singapore and Singaporeans. “Singaporeans are too narrow-minded,” Roger declared, “they just think-“ he raised both hands facing each other, with fingers pointing forward, and made a sharp jutting motion forward. Straight.

(This is something I notice in many Singaporeans who left Singapore and have been working in china for years, sometimes decades: they say the same things. That the world is so big, that they don’t mind not returning to Singapore, that singaporeans are too rigid, too narrow-minded, too risk averse. They are happily critical of the singapore government, education system, and people in general. I notice there is the same self-satisfied air about them.}

In the same breath Roger looked at me in the eyes and said cheerfully, “you’re quite straight, you know?” A blow. “Yeah, I am. I’m still learning,” I smile and say, nodding resignedly. The acceptable way to respond to a gentle, if misguided, suggestion that you have something to improve about yourself.

When it comes to mentors and bosses, you hope they’re perceptive and kind and can offer life-changing advice. I’m lucky to have found someone like that. But even with his greatest merits, I have come to accept that my mentor is not always right. I’m straight? Perhaps by his standards, I am.

I do not think that I’m “straight”. But I do not show my dismay, or try to defend myself, because I know he notices certain things. How I appear slow to react, the way I cautiously ask for permission to do things. I seem way less quick-thinking and efficient compared to my other intern, who tells me confidently, she values efficiency and flexibility above all, and it shows in the way she works. He’s clearly impressed with and proud of what she has been doing. Efficiency and flexibility, and a business-oriented mind - I see that these are are what any mentor or boss would value in an employee or close assistant.

But what does one think about bending the rules to get the job done? About telling white lies so people will give you what you want? Or, if you’re the boss, getting some parts of the truth hidden from you so that you can be led to make the best decision? About brushing aside pertinent concerns in favour of closing a deal? About giving Chinese contractors a contract in English and telling them not to worry about the contract because it’s just for administrative purposes, so they will sign it ASAP? About buttering the ego of important people to get benefits?

I am uncomfortable with all of the above. To be honest, it has come as a shock to me that people would have no qualms about doing the same. Could this just be a difference in work ethic and personal values? Or would we be excusing ourselves too conveniently to dismiss these matters as such?

Do not mistake my reticence for obtuseness. I accept that I’m not business-minded. Sure, I might be young and idealistic, but that doesn’t mean I don’t understand what you’re doing. I appear slow because I cannot allow myself to be unquestioning and compliant. And despite seeing so many things that I deeply disapprove of and hope I will never be made to do, because I am a young intern who’s expected to be open to learning and to adapt to the norms of the working world, I hold myself back from retorting.

I may not know how best to manage my boss, or how to make lots of money, or how to do PR, or how to charm people or claim credit for myself.

I do not think that I’m “straight”. All I know is that I should not allow myself to mask a lack of principles and dignity under the guise of efficiency or flexibility, or “what is good for the company”.

I’m afraid I don’t think I’m capable of being a very good employee or a good intern by your standards.

See, that’s what the app is perfect for.

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honestly